I'm a mess tonight.  I just found out (through deductive reasoning and overhearing a portion of a conversation) that my favorite supervisor at work is leaving.  It was kinda weird, but it has hit me pretty hard.  I talked with her a bit when Dad was really sick and I always knew that she was there for me.  If she has to leave I hope that it is for a better job or that her husband has found a job and that she has a good chance of a good job.  She is an awesome person that I have been blessed to know.

Is it strange or sad that I'm not really sure I want to stay on when/after she is gone?  I have a feeling that the whole attitude of the call center could change.  I had someone tell me today that I should apply for the position (since that was all part of my deductive reasoning), but I don't think that I want to.  First of all I don't have enough experience, in the right field.  Second of all, I don't know if this is the path that I want to stay on.  Mom and I have kicked around (just a little) the idea of moving away from the farm.  While in a way I don't want to let go of the farm, and I'm not sure how I would handle the suburbs, I don't think that I would mind a fresh start.  If we moved close to Dan & Katie I would be close enough to friends to have people to do things with again, which would be a major plus.  I just am not sure that I am ready to let go of Dad.

I think I need a cup of tea.

Life is a whirlwind

Ever have things throw your life into complete perspective about what is and isn't important?  In a sharp kind of way I have.  I just got back yesterday from my Baby Sister's wedding to a wonderful Christian Man.  It was a beautiful ceremony honoring to God as well as my Father, who is up in Heaven watching us all. 

That of course is the other thing.  In many ways I don't know if my Father's death has really hit me yet.  I have no idea if/when/how it will when it does.  For the most part I keep living each and everyday almost expecting him to walk through the door at any moment.

At the reception for the Father/Daughter dance, Rose had wanted a slide show put together of pictures of her and Dad and all of us growing up.  We watched it while she danced with Mom to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, Cinderella.  Oh, I bawled.  Anna bawled, Mom and Rose bawled.  About half way through the DJ had people come and join Mom and Rose with their mom's and dad's.  Katie danced with Nick and Carissa went and snuggled up with Dan (since he couldn't dance/was taking care of the slide show) my cousin Mari danced with my Uncle Chuck and I don't remember the others.  I want to get a version of it put together with the song so that I can post it here.  It was beautiful and I think it gave us a little closure, which we need.  Katie expressed it best, I think, when she said that we were all kind of walking through a fog bank, and agreed with me that she too expects Dad to walk in at any moment.

The night after the wedding, Mom had trouble falling asleep.  She talked to me a little bit about Dad and some of what she has been feeling.  I think that with the wedding stress finally over, that it is beginning to hit her harder than it had before.  I am so incredibly thankful that I am here, with her.  That I followed the feeling that I was supposed to come back and live at home.  I wouldn't trade these last two years with Dad & Mom for the world.  They were difficult, they were beautiful; I saw my father lean on his faith as I doubt I had ever seen him do so before.  It was very difficult near the end for me.  Especially when he was no longer able to sing and play his trombone.  Music was such a special connection between us, that not hearing his music hurt.

But I know that he is up there, right now, playing on the most beautiful trombone ever conceived...all covered with gems and pearls.  He is able to hit all of the high and low notes with out trying.  He is singing with the most exquisite choir ever imagined, his baritone ringing out to bring honor and glory to God.  He's probably even riding a bicycle around up there.

In many ways it is this picture that keeps me from collapsing with grief.  How much harder would death be for someone who has not that hope?  Not that Faith?  Who believes that after death there is nothing?  I could not even fathom the anxiety and fear.  My father dealt with enough fear and anxiety, especially as he neared the end.  How much worse would it have been if he hadn't known the Lord, hadn't believed in eternal life?

At Rose's wedding, Anna and I sang "Be Thou My Vision" as Rose and Johnny lit the unity candles and shared their first communion.  It was beautiful:  I especially like the last verse of the hymn:

"High King of heaven, when victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all."

As I approach this busy time of year at work, in my "new" seasonal position, I can only pray that this hymn will go with me.

"Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one."

Congratulations Rose and Johnny Roth!  May you stay close to the Lord and be vessels for the outpouring of his Love!  I love you both!

Having far too much fun on NaNoWriMo.org

Well, it is October...and for me that means that things are beginning to ramp up to the craziness and wonderfulness that is November and National Novel Write Month! http://www.nanowrimo.org

I was on the forums today and wasted a whole bunch of time, posed a few questions and generally enjoyed myself. :D Now, I am trying to resist the urge to go find my cape, put it on and go for a walk in our woods. (Ha)

Already my wheels have been turned a few times.  I have begun to think of some things that I hadn't before, that should probably be addressed without turning into some huge cliche.  On top of which there are my new books to discover: "Bullies, Bastards & Bitches" (All about writing bad guys) as well as a few others I don't recall the titles of at the moment.  {This is why it was a bad idea for me to buy that B&N Membership}

With all of the craziness of Rose's wedding this week, I hope that I shall be able to find some down time to do some thinking/writing/plotting/drawing maps on giant pieces of poster board....you know...typical author/fantasy author type things.  I read on one blog that a person carries around his fantasy world maps in the tubes that sling over your back...maybe I should invest in one....(strokes chin thoughtfully)

On top of all of this, I have taken over our upstairs office and turned it into my office (it is about 3/4 my office right now at least...still need to clean up some random computer things and oh yeah, the gun case that we don't have the keys for that is just sitting in here.) And cleaned and rearranged my room (I got my dad's dresser and had to clean it out yesterday and move it into my room...on top of moving my desk into the office....so yeah, I've been keeping myself busy)...

I promise that I shall post photos soon.  I have to take them, so that I can show G'ma Mrs.  (She can't climb our stairs anymore)...I think she'd like them.

Okay, enough rambling for the moment.  But there will certainly be more to come.  I'll let you know if I break the cape out or not.  Until then...these are some of my favorite quotes from the "You know you write fantasy when..." forum thread...(I posted some of these as a status on facebook) 

• You have random posty notes in your home that say things like "elves drink coffee but fairies prefer tea." 
• Fantasy is fiction after he's loosened his tie and thrown back a few pints 
• Your political intrigues involve exciting things like daggers, magic, poison, mind control, and military coups. (Clearly you have never been to an actual government meeting in your life...) 
• You enter the woods at night with a blanket ov...er your head as "research" for smells, textures and sounds. You bang the keyboard randomly to come up with names. 
• You own a cape or cloak (and wear it regularly).You have been dared to walk up to a store clerk and say, "Hail, merchant! Show me your wares!" ... and have actually done it. 
• You stare at your household pet and contemplate what it could do as a magical familiar. 
• You start going to church more often because you need inspiration for fictional magical/religious ceremonies. 
• Your priest thinks confessing to the murder of a bunch of fictional clergy is the funniest thing he's heard all week. 
• If someone asks you how you got that wound/bruise, you calmly reply 'Wizard duel.' 
• People you know who don't like fantasy believe you lead a very boring life because when they ask what you've been doing lately you can hardly say "obsessively creating worlds" so instead you say "nothing much" and leave it at that.  
• You can name the illustrator that your story is in the style of (and dream of asking them to do your coverart) 
• When you people-watch it’s usually identifying random strangers as “dwarf” “elf” “troll” “wizard” “hobbit” etc. 

My Dad

So, my Dad is dying.

The Hospice Nurse who came in on Friday said that she doesn't expect him to live through the weekend.  This is really hard.  He has declined so incredibly rapidly this last month and a half.  Mom and I have kind of been expecting it to come, but you realize that you are never really prepared for something like this.
Dan and Katie came up this morning, and Anna came up last night.  A couple from Rose's Church in Plainview, MN (Gene and Jean) drove her home so that she didn't have to drive it alone. (they were absolutely adorable) Then today around 1:00 my Uncle Jim brought my Grandmother up, and I got to see my Aunt Diane for a little while (they had to be somewhere but were coming back again). It was good to see her and good to have Dan and Katie there.  And I always love having my sisters with me.

This morning we talked a little about Funeral arrangements (in case he does go/so we can be prepared), and have decided to cremate him, and have a memorial service rather than an open casket funeral (where he looks nothing like what we want to remember him as).  We talked about music and all of that.  I thank the Lord that we have such a great pastor at my Church right now.  Pastor Cole has been amazing.  And Terri and Gary came to visit the other night (Gary is my "BIG" brother...he plays bass guitar at my church). It was really good to see them, as I hadn't been in church the previous 2 Sundays.

One of the things we decided was that we would get a tombstone/head piece and spread his ashes on the farm and then have an area with the headstone commemorating him.  Since the farm was where he really wanted to be all the years we've lived here.  I think that it would be neat if we could have an image of a farmer with a team of horses engraved on the stone.

It is hard.  He sleeps most of the time now and I'm always looking at his chest to make sure he is breathing.  He is no longer strong enough to even stand up by himself.   He has gotten so incredibly thin and gaunt now, that he looks like a horrible caricature of his normal self.

His brothers and sister were up last weekend (it was really good to see Aunt Marcia and Uncle Bill again, and it is always good to see Uncle Chuck).  They stayed most of the week and helped get the farm cleaned up and did some repair work around the place.  (We have a railing on our back steps finally!)

But with everything that was going on, and all the people, our new puppy Shasta didn't know what to make of it all.  that stress added on top of the emotional stress I was going through working both at Duluth and with the New Glarus Bakery (only for the last two weeks...yesterday was my last day Thank God!) I was an exhausted mess, and even more emotional because "Mr. Collins" was visiting for his annual monthly visit. 

Grandmother made some comment about Shasta and that was it, I was a mess.  I love that dog so much already.  Just having her there has made this easier for me.  We just have to work with her and learn how to train her and understand her personality.  But right now both Mom and I need her.

And basically I am rambling because I don't really want to think about what is really happening and the fact that I could go home tonight and he could be gone.  Or that any day next week that could be the scenario.  I'll have enough stress because I start my new position at Duluth (for our "peak" {Christmas} season) on Monday.

But I have Jenny coming to look forward to.  Even if she sleeps on an air mattress in my room, I can't wait for her to get here.  Just to have her to be introverted with.  I need that right now, incredibly much.  A part of me just wants to run away, to pretend that this isn't happening.  That we don't have a hospital bed in our dining room.  That my father isn't losing his fight against Pancreatic Cancer.  I'm beginning to be overwhelmed.  And when that happens....I shut down.  Johnny is possibly coming tonight and we were talking about where we were going to put everyone.  At first, they were talking about putting him in my room, and Anna Rose and I sleeping in the blue room.  I wouldn't let them, because I know that I will need to escape to a space that is my own in order to remain somewhat sane in this situation.

Carissa (my 9-yr-old niece) asked her mom (my sister-in-love Katie) if she was going to see Grandpa Bill again, and Katie had to tell her probably not.  Carissa asked her why he had to go, and said, "But I don't want him to go...he's my Tickle Monster!"

I am so thankful that my Niece has such wonderful memories of my Father.

I think I need to stop now, because I am at work and I am starting to cry and that wouldn't be good if I get a call right now.

Into the Ocean

".....Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be

be

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down...."

 
Dad went back into the hospital yesterday.  He was in a great deal of pain.  When I was taking him to the Radiation friday morning he lost his balance and fell onto the grass as he was walking out to the car.  Mom ended up staying with him in the hospital last night.  I worked almost all day (from 2:30-11pm and again today from 10-8).  Apparently they cut to the chase last night.  Hospice is coming in on Monday and they got him to sign something that says if he should go into cardiac arrest (or whatever it would be) that he is not to be resucitated.  He told Mom that he was scared.
My grandmother is suppossed to be coming up on Tuesday to spend some time with him.  At this time, we were waiting to tell her until tuesday (I believe).  Mom wants to be able to speak with Hospice without worrying about entertaining guests (as she put it).  We will also have to consider our newest family member, Shasta.  She does not do well with new people and mom is afraid that she will bite or snap at the Hospice person.  I really don't want to have to give her back to the Humane Society, because I already love her, but we need to consider what is best for her and for us in this situation.
For the last two days I have hovered in between tears while pretending that everything is fine while talking to customers on the phone.  I am incredibly grateful to one of my co-workers.  Her name is Amy and we went through training together last fall.  Amy's daughter has Lupis in stage 4, and she has this uncanny ability to read me and know when something is wrong.  She looked at me yesterday and said, "Something is bothering you, isn't it."  She is one of those people that just calls it like it is.  And I am thankful that I can talk to her and know that she understands.  Her daughter just came home from the hospital, because of the lupis her kidneys tried to fail.
I am hoping to run away for a day or two later on this month, to be alone.  We'll see if that gets worked out or not.  Right now what I really want to do is go home and curl up in my bed (now that my double fleece blanket is back on it) and snuggle up and shut out the world.

Dragonfly Dreamz Crafts

So, after some inspiration from our wonderful pianist at church (Mary Ellen Broge), I have created a product.  You know (and I am sure either have, love or would love to have) a microwaveable heat pad.  You know the ones that are filled with rice, or beans or corn?

Well, I have created one designed for people who get bad headaches.  The design is heart shaped so that it will sit on your face (with the heart upside down) and rest comfortably over the major sinus cavities and of course over your eyes, with your nose fully exposed.

(This is my Microsoft Publisher illustration of the proper use of a heart shaped therapeutic heat pad.)

I call them Therapeutic Heat Pads.  I am playing with two other designs for these, but they have not reached fruition yet.  I will keep you posted.

At this time I offer a heart shaped Therapeutic Heat Pad, made out of Flannel in a variety of 5 patterns.  They are filled with rice (as it has the least prevalent smell of the three fillings that I know of) I am asking $10.00 for these.  If you are interested, please let me know.  You can contact me on Blogger, Facebook or through my email.  Enclosed are photographs of the Flannel patterns and two that I have finished at the moment.

My current flannel patterns:

Detail on the rainbow/yellow butterfly print:

Detail on the green spotted Flannel:

The Finished Product!

I can do solid print (same pattern for the front and back) or you can mix and match any of the flannel patterns.

 Each Therapeutic Heat Pad is embroidered with a red heart containing a dragonfly, which is my symbol/signature.  I can do green, blue or brown dragonflies.

I will be adding more "boy" prints hopefully soon...I just have to have the money to buy the flannel...

(Front and Back of my business cards for this product)

Anyway, I am curious to see who would be interested in this.  If you are, please let me know!

Thanks!

It's that itch again....

Why is it that periodically I get this great urge to run away.  Literally.  I want to move to ridiculous places.  Places that either have a LOT of water like Canon Beach, OR or mountains like Black Mountain, NC...and most recently, Bayfield, WI. Which I guess could have a little of both, since it is near the Porcupine Mts.

I guess the most current one is not incredibly ridiculous.  Ever since I visited there last summer with Jenny and Annalynn I felt that I would like to live there.  It is an artsy, touristy town, right on the shores of Lake Superior.  It has the ferry to Madeleine Island, and is in general...beautiful.  What better place for someone like myself?

Well, that itch to run away has roused its head again.  I've been thinking to the future, and the big questions.  You know, the ones that ask: Where will I be in 5 years?  What do I want to be doing in 5 years? Those questions that right now I have absolutely no answer to.  Everything hinges on one things right now.  One, incredibly important thing... My Father.

And maybe that is partly why the urge has reared its head again, the urge to run away from things which hurt, and frighten me.  The get away and pretend it isn't happening.  I don't know.  But, the desire to live in Bayfield is a true one.  Maybe I'll try to find a job there next summer (during Duluth's slow season).  I could always come back on in October, just in time for Peak. Maybe I'm just crazy even contemplating this.  I don't know.

I'm re-reading "Blue Castle" by L.M. Montgomery and parts of me really feel like the Heroine of the book, Valancy.  Valancy is 29 when the book begins, a confirmed old maid with no prospects.  (this part I don't feel is like me) she lives with her mother and a second cousin who do not love her and has had to know-tow to her relations all her life.  She is a cowed, sad little creature.  Then, she finds out she has a fatal heart condition.  Her reaction changes her forever.  She decides to live for her self and stop worrying about everyone else.  She runs away to keep house for the town drunkard Roaring Abel, to take care of his daughter who is dying of consumption.  From there she starts a whole new life.

I envy her the boldness to take her future (which she believes is limited) into her own hands and to take charge of her life.

I really and truly believe in God with all kinds of doubts

So lately I have been reading Madeleine L'Engle's book "A Circle of Quiet." It is one of her non-fiction books, more of a responsive journal/letter than anything else.  Her reflections on teaching, writing, life, love, death, God...etc.
It has been speaking greatly to me, and ministering just as greatly.  For those of you who don't know, my Father has Pancreatic Cancer.  I came home from Indiana last Tuesday, after a week of vacation with my girlfriends, to find that he was in the hospital.  They drained 4.8 litres of fluid from his stomach and he didn't come home until yesterday.
Mom and I had a good cry together last night.  In many ways it was good to let the cap off of the emotion and release it.  Anyway, a lot of what I'm dealing with/going through right now, Madeleine has been talking about with grace and humor and I am longing to share a little of it with you.
One of the words she uses a lot throughout the book is Ontology, which is the word about "Being."  She spends a lot of time talking about her Ontological self, her real self, herself when she is most herself.  She also talks about a seminar that she taught for 2 weeks at Ohio State University.
Another time she was doing a seminar with High School students and one of the girls, named Una asked her a question.  I'm going to quote that section:

"A winter ago I had an after-school seminar for high-school students and in one of the early sessions Una, a brilliant fifteen-year-old, a born writer who came to Harlem from Panama five years ago, and only then discovered the conflict between races, asked me out of the blue: "Mrs. Franklin, (Her husband's name was Hugh Franklin) do you really and truly believe in God with no doubts at all?"
"Oh, Una, I really and truly believe in God with all kinds of doubts."
But I base my life on this belief.
Una kept pushing me, wanting to know (I think wanting to be reassured) if I really believed in God.  One day she brought it up at the beginning of class, and the others seemed to want to talk too, so I plunged in: "There are three ways you can life your life - three again - remember that the great writers almost always do things in threes.  You can live life as though it's all a cosmic accident; we're nothing but an irritating skin disease on the face of the earth.  Maybe you can live your life as though everything's a bad joke. I can't"
They couldn't, either, though for some of the kids who sat around the table that day not much had happened to make them think that life is anything else.
"Or you can go out at night and look at the stars and think, yes, they were created by a prime mover, and so were you, but he's aloof perfection, impassible, indifferent to his creation.  He doesn't care, or, if he cares, he only cares about the ultimate end of his creation, and so what happens to any part of it on the way is really a matter of indifference.  You don't matter to him, I don't matter to him, except possibly as a means to an end.  I can't live that way either."
Again there was general agreement.
"Then there's a third way: to live as though you believe that the power behind the universe is a power of love, a personal power of love, a love so great that all ofus really do matter to him.  He loves us so much that every single one of our lives has meaning; he really does know about the fall of every sparrow, and the hairs of our head are really counted.  That's the only way I can live."

One of the things that I am enjoying the most from this book is the sense that she makes.  This is a writer talking to a writer, I get her on so many different levels.  In fact, I am positive that if I had the opportunity to meet her when she was alive that we would have been great friends.  As it is, she died in 2007, and I shall have eternity to spend with her.  What Joy.

Later on in the book she talks about forgiveness, which was a hard part for me to read, but it was good at the same time.  A healing pain, perhaps.

' I said that a photograph could not be an icon. In one strange, austere way there are photographs of two people in my prayer book which are icons for me.  I keep them there for that precise reason.  They are people I would rather forget.  They have brought into my life such bitterness and pain that my instincts is to wipe them out of my memory and my life.
And that is murder.
I had, through some miracle, already managed to understand this, when I came across these words of George MacDonald's: 'it may be infinitely evil to murder a man than to refuse to forgive him.  The former may be a moment of passion: the latter is the heart's choice.  It is spiritual murder, the worst, to hate, to brood over the feeling that excludes, that, in our microcosm, kills the image, the idea of the hated.'

Thank you, Grandfather George.
He has come to my rescue many times, has said to me just what I needed to have said in a moment of doubt or confusion...And he has finally made me understand what lack of forgiveness means. I cannot stay angry; this is not a virtue in me; I am physically incapable of going to bed out of sorts with anybody.  But, although I have not stayed mad, have I excluded?  Put from my mind the person who has upset me? It is this which is the act of unforgiving.
I will remember this, I hope, each day when I come upon those two photographs of two very separate and different people.  So, yes: those images have moved from image to icon.  They have within them more than they are in themselves; in them I glimpse, for at least a fragment of a second, the forgiveness of God.
The Greeks, as usual, had a word for the forgiving kind og love which never excludes.  They call it Agape.  There are many definitions of agape, but the best I know is in one of Edward Nason West's books: Agape means "a profound concern for the welfare of another without any desire to control that other, to be thanked by that other, or to enjoy the process."
Not easy.  But if we can follow it, it will me that we will never exclude.  Not the old, the ill, the dying.  Not the people who have hurt us, who have done us wrong.  Or the people whom we have done wrong.  Or our children.
I wrote out this definition of Agape on the blackboard at O.S.U. I have written it on other blackboards, quoted it in lectures.  It teaches me not only about forgiveness but about how to hope to give guidance without manipulation.

There is more that I want to share with you, but I think that I will save that for another entry, as this one is quite long enough already.  I hope you enjoyed and were "provoked" (as in thought provoked) by the sections I quoted.  All I know is that there is a reason that I am reading this book at this particular time.  And I thank God for it.

I like, Madeleine, really and truly believe in God with all kinds of doubts. And I base my life on that belief.

The World: Henry Vaughan Published in 1650 as part of his Silex Scintillan, or Sacred Poems

I saw Eternity the other night
Like a great Ring of pure and endless light,
        All calm, as it was bright,
And round beneath it, Time in hours, days, years
                Driv'n by the spheres
Like a vast shadow mov'd, In which the world
        And all her train were hurl'd;
The doting Love in his queintest strain
               Did their Complain,
Neer him, his Lute, his fancy, and his flights,
               Wits sour delights,
With gloves, and knots the silly snares of pleasure
               Yet his dear Treasure
All scatter'd lay, while he his eys did pour
               Upon a flowr.

2.
The darksome States-man hung with weights and woe
Like a thick midnight-fog mov'd there so slow
        He did nor stay, nor go;
condemning thoughts (like sad Ecclipses) scowl
               Upon his soul,
And Clouds of crying witness without
        Pursued him with one shout.
Yet dig'd the Mole, and let his ways be found
              Workt under ground,
Where he did clutch his prey, but one did see
              That policie,
Churches and altars fed him, Perjuries
              Were gnats and flies,
It rain'd about him bloud and tears, but he
              Drank them as free.

3.
The fearfull miser on a heap of rust
Sate pining all his life there, did scarce trust
        His own hands with the dust,
Yet would not place one peece above, but lives
                 In feare of theeves.
Thousands there were as frantick as himself
         And hug'd each one his pelf,
The down-right Epicure plac'd heav'n in sense
                 And scornd pretence
While other slipt into a wide Excesse
                 Said little lesse;
The weaker sort slight, triviall wares Inslave
                 Who think them brave,
And poor, despised truth sate Counting by
                  Their victory.

4.
Yet some, who all this while did weep and sing,
And sing, and weep, soar'd up into the Ring,
           But most would use no wing.
O fools (said I,) thus to prefer dark night
                       Before true light,
To live in grots, and caves, and hate the day
           Because it shews the way,
The way which from this dead and dark abode
                   Leads up to God,
A way where you might treat the sun, and be
                   More bright than he.
But as I did their madnes so discusse
            One whisper'd thus,
This ring the Bride-groome did for none provide
            But for his bride.

John Chap. 2 ver. 16, 17

All that is in the world, the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eys, 

and the pride of life, is not of the father, but is of the world.

And the world passeth away, and the lusts thereof, but he that

doth the will of God abideth for ever.

Wishful Thinking

It's terrible sometimes to realize that you've missed an opportunity.  Last week, as I was driving to Ohio for Jenny's Wedding, I stopped over in Lowell, Indiana to pick up Annalynn.  We spent the night, and on Wednesday morning I woke up at 7am, wide awake.  Since I wasn't going to fall back asleep again, I went out into the living room and sat staring out at the still lake.  Annalynn's grandparents have a lot of books at the cabin, so I looked and found one by Madeleine L'Engle (who I love) and I started to read it.  It was a non-fiction piece (I had never read her non-fiction before) and I was as entranced by her prose writing non-fiction as I was when she was writing the fiction that I have come to love.  Well, I have it coming through the library system so that I can finish it. It has a great title, as do most of her books.  It is called "A Circle of Quiet" and is the first of four on her "Crosswick Journal" series.  I have the second of that coming soon. And I have already read two others by her (A Ring of Endless Light and Wrinkle in Time) and have fallen in love all over again with the brilliance that was a devoutedly Christian woman/author.

In my wonderings, I looked her up only to find out to my dismay that all of the questions that I should have liked to ask her will most likely go unanswered, she died in September 2007.  Oh how I wish I could have spoken with her.  She writes, beautifully, remaining true to her faith through her books and yet she doesn't shove it down her readers throats.  How does one do that?  I was talking with one of my co-workers, a teacher near Madison named Joe, and he told me that he had the pleasure of meeting her the first year he was a teacher.  She had come to do a writing seminar with the students of his school.  I was struck with such envy.  For once I wish I could speak with someone that I admire as much as I have come to admire Madeleine's books.  And I have come to appreciate them more each time I've re-read them.  It amazes me how much scripture is used throughout Wrinkle in Time, I love that.

I am rambling now.  It is 10 minutes until the end of my shift at work, and hardly anyone is calling tonight.  It is one other lady and I closing shop tonight. So many things have seemed to change, to shift within the last week and a half.  In some ways I am looking at my writing in a whole new light.  I am wondering if my writing is leading others towards the Light.  For what purpose is this creative gift that I have been given if I do not lead others towards it's source?  For the first time I am conciously considering how I write, and the subject matter that I tend to fall into and allow lead me.  I wish, with all my heart, to lead others to the light, to reaffirm that the light shines in the darkness.  Maybe because I have been going through a darkness myself, watching my father as the cancer has stolen from him.  Maybe some of it has to do with the true brush of Evil that I felt last week.  But whatever it was, I want to strive more to reflect the light.

It'll be a hot time in the old town tonight!

Yesterday was ridiculous...it is time for the seasons to stop playing yo-yo and make up their mind...is it spring or is it summer?  I worked 7 hrs yesterday.  When I arrived I signed up to leave early (should the call volume drop) and then after doing that thought to myself....wait a minute...it's air conditioned here...it isn't air conditioned at home.  I ended up working my full shift anyway. Haha.

So I was done at 3pm.  I stepped outside the building into muggy, oppressive August type weather and drove home with the windows down.

Once I got home I went and watered Mom's new plants (cause they looked like they needed it....) and then served myself a 4-scoop bowl of "Triple Citrus" sherbet and sat out on the front porch with a fan blowing on me, eating my sherbet and reading from "The Encyclopedia of Magical Animals" to find scary monsters for my newest character to have to slay (oh the joys of what I get to do for research)...I came up with a few...I wanted more obscure ones than your typical demon types...I was thinking more welsh and irish monsters like giant beavers etc...you'll learn more as I do..I promise.

After eating 1/2 of a frozen sausage pizza (after I cooked it of course), I drove to Monroe for Band Practice.  That was good, I got to admire a friend of mine's engagement ring, and listen to the flute section jokingly decide that they were going to try to find me a man.  I don't need their help...thank you...nor want it really.

After band practice I drove through the McDonald's drive thru for a $1.00 large coke (Mmmmm). I drove home and proceeded to watch Highlander 2 (much cheesier than last night's Time Burton's Batman) and change my bedding so that I would sleep better last night as opposed to the night before.  Now my bed has a sheet and my light quilt on it...not a thing more!

I did sleep much better last night.  To wake up to grumpy thunder and massive cramps...what a way to start a day.  I didn't mind the thunder, but I had to close all the windows so the house was really oppressive, no moving air.  So I had a box fan blowing on me as I ate my breakfast of Bacon and an english muffin, washed down with a glass of milk.

I got to see Anna for a few minutes as she stopped home to look for something, on her way to the bank and to hang out at Cafe Claudeen's in Monroe with Kareesa and Claudia Wilson.  We left at the same time, and I arrive at work, to see that I started a 1/2 hr later than I had thought, hence giving me the time to write this.

Anyway, it was a great way to start a long, hot, muggy day.  I work till 5, then go to my other job for a few hours...and at least it is air conditioned here.  If I survive, I'll let you know.

Wow...long time

I just realized that the last time I posted something was well over 2 weeks ago.  I apologize.  Though not much has really happened in that space of time.  My Mom and Dad abandonded me again (this is the 2nd time this month that they've left and I've had to work so I couldn't join them) to go up North to Cable, WI (almost a stone's throw away from Lake Superior)...so I've been amusing myself at home with the cat.
I went out to do chores this evening and the water spiggot decided to punish me for something I'd done, or maybe hadn't done...I don't know.  But the darn thing wouldn't turn on...so I used the other spiggot to carry 2, 5 gallon buckets of water out to our horse, because he drinks about 8 gallons a day and it's HOT out today...so he's probably going to drink more....

Well, then I went back to try it again and the stupid thing turned on...so thankfully I didn't have to carry water over to the sheep.  And the chickens are all still alive, as is the one stupid rooster.  I went out to get eggs yesterday morning and that ungrateful fowl waited until my back was turned and flew at me with his spurs...would have served him right if I'd have left him out for that raccoon Friday night (or was it Thursday, I don't remember)....

Anyway, since visiting Ica I have done some serious thinking and maybe it is just that I am getting comfortable again in my home environment, but the trip definitely helped to put some things into perspective for me, which was a very good thing.  I think I'll consider it for a while, but I think I've decided that at this time I wouldn't be able to in right and good concience move down there without a job ahead of time...etc.
Anyway, partly as a result of that, I was on Facebook today and was reading through people's status' and Pam had put down that she put in an application to a resort hotel on Mackinac Island...

So I looked at it and put in an application as well.  How amazingly cool would that be?  Spending the summer with Pam on Mackinac Island?  I think it would be swell :) Well, we'll see what happens.  I still have to hear back from them.....so nothing is set in stone, but I really want to get back into camping/hotel type work and this would enable me to expand my resume and gain further experience...AND I'd be on an island that prohibits cars and the only modes of transportation are bicycle and HORSE DRAWN CARRIAGES! How cool is that?  Maybe it is what I need to get my head on/directional bearings from God as to what direction I should pursue.  Though it might make it a little more difficult to make it to Ohio in July (I might have to fly)...we'll see!
Well, my right hand is very sore from being on the computer so much (what with work and all) so I'm going to stop taxing it and go and fold my PILE of clean clothes that is waiting in the hamper at the foot of my bed.

Like butter scraped over too much bread

Last Tuesday I returned home from my visit with Ica.  The Tuesday prior to that, I drove down to Wheaton, IL where I spent the evening and morning with my brother and his family.  Then early in the afternoon I caught the Metra train into Downtown Chicago.  From Oglivie transportation center I walked the three blocks to Union Station where I caught the Amtrak train down to Mattoon, IL.  Ica met me at the station, and I joined her for 2 hours at Jackson Avenue Coffee shop in Charleston where she worked for two hours.  We went back to her house and I met her beautiful Pitt-bull puppy (well 1.5 year old puppy) Rosalita... or as they call her Lita.  Beautiful, sweet, hyper and a little A.D.O.S. I loved her immediately.  She has the most beautiful and yet terrifying smile I have ever seen.  Ica would say "teeeeeth" and Lita would lift her lip in a smile, showing off all of her beautiful teeth.
Thursday, Ica and I went up to Champagne.  We stopped at Borders and I picked up "Return of the King," "Surprised by Joy" and "A Grief Observed" then because we were hungry we went to Steak & Shake for lunch.  Man I wish we had them up here. (sad day) I had a bacon steak burger with french fries and cheesy dipping sauce (totally yum) and a chocolate shake.  On our way back to Mattoon, we stopped at the outlet mall in Tuscola.   There we stopped in at a Dress Barn, where we saw a icy blue raw silk shirtwaist style 50's-ish inspired dress that Ica insisted I try on.  So we grabbed the size I usually wear, 18.  Well, it was an 18w and was huge on me.  So we grabbed the 16w, also too big...finally the sales lady brought over the 14w which fit.  Well, she brought over a few other dresses for me to see.  And I tried on this lime green shirt dress with a black belt in a 14w.  It fit and looked awesome!  So I bought it, since I have several weddings to attending/be in this summer.
Thursday night we went to Eastern Illinois University to attend a program put on by "Focus" (the catholic outreach group on campus) called "Greensex"  It was intriguing.  The speaker was talking about the effects of the artificial estrogen that passes through the sewage system into the water table near Boulder, CO that was having adverse effects on the fish population.  The source was from all of the birth control, our bodies cannot absorb it all so it passes through us into the sewage system and thense into the water table.  Increasing the female population, depleting the male and causing several trans-gender fish.  The speaker went on to talk about the effects and dangers that Birth control on our bodies.  Did you know that just by taking birth control you are raising your chances of getting breast cancer by 40%?
For the most part, I just hung out the rest of the time.  I went to Church with Ica on Sunday.  It was good to worship with her again.  After church we picked up Courtney and went to Monical's Pizza for lunch (Yum Monical's!!!)  It rained all day Saturday and Sunday so we weren't able to go hiking...but I got a good bit read from "Surprised by Joy" as well as "Return of the King."
Monday morning Ica took me to the station and I took the Amtrak back to Chicago and then the Metra back to Dan & Katie's house.  Monday night I drove to Elgin and Judson University, where I met Phill Lambert.  He and I drove to meet Annalynn and her friend Ashley Brown at a Pool Hall where we laughed hysterically and played pool terribly (at least everyone but Phill) then we went to Baskin Robins where we sat for probably another hour, talking and laughing.  During this time several Judson students came in, several from Phill's building.  As we were leaving, one made the comment about Phill being there with 3 women.  Apparently he was a freshman.  Well, Phill drove me back to Judson and we stood talking for probably another half hour, while security looked at us funny every time they passed and one of the students from Phill's building that we had seen passed us walking back to his dorm...I made it home maybe by 3am.
Tuesday I drove back home, to find out that Dad was in the emergency room from a Kidney stone.  On top of this "Mr. Collins" had come to visit, and I was dealing with a lot of thoughtful things.

So, while I was down at Ica's I made a comment that all I did was work and go home.  Ica responded that it sounded like her, but I told her that at least she had friends that she could see, where I didn't.  To which she offered to let me rent their guest room.  So now I am trying to decide what exactly I should do.  It wouldn't be until this fall, if I do chose to move down to Mattoon.  So I'm trying to be logical and figure this out....

The road goes ever on and on...

It seems that my journey is going to be fraught with difficulties.  First, I ended up having to work today...so I won't be able to see the friends I wanted to this evening.  Second, my check wasn't ready when I stopped by to pick it up (the check that is suppossed to pay for my ticket) and I was told he usually has them signed by 11.....when I have to be at Duluth (my job) for a continuing training meeting.

Which, at this time I may have to skip, because I need that check so that I can pay for my ticket, so that I can put gas in my car so that I can drive down to Wheaton so that I can catch the Metra so I can ride the Amtrak.....the list is almost endless.  And so I sit, like a bug squirming on a pin.  I wanted to be gone already.  That was my original plan, so see my family for a while, to see friends, then to see more friends....

:Sigh:

I guess I'll just have to keep my feet or there is no knowing where the road is going to sweep me off to....

I would love to be on the road as we speak, but I guess that won't be happening.  However this delay in plans is not preventing me from catching that Metra or that Amtrak, I will still be following that road and seeing that friend.  Thank goodness!

I'm so excited to see Ica again.  To spend quality time with her, to talk with her, to love on her, to fill that empty love tank!  I will try to keep you updated on my journey and the progress of my trip.  I plan to take copious ammounts of photographs and I will regale you upon my return!

scratching the itch

So the slight itch (also known as a vague feeling of restlessness) that has existed in the back of my mind for the past several weeks has been building to it's climax, which has burst upon me in the last few days.  Needless to say, it has sent me running back to check out Christian Camping and Conference Center's "Current Job Listing" Page.  A few of you may have guessed the source of my itch...
I know about a month ago I posted somewhere on Facebook (that wonderful/terrible social media) that I was wanting to get back into the camping industry again.  Well, that has not gone away.  As I have looked back over my wide and varied working career...there has been no job that has encouraged me, challenged me, and over all impressed me as much as ANY of the jobs that I have held through Timber-Lee Christian Center.  Those have been the jobs that I have been happiest in, the most frustrated in, the most challenged in (Timber Challenge Ropes Course is one example of a challenge that I surmounted).
So, what does this all come to?  I don't quite know yet.  I have been looking more seriously at CCCA's website looking for jobs where I feel qualified and for camps whose missions that I agree with.  I came across a few interesting listings, mostly for internships (which I have done, and one of them I was two years too old to apply for their internship program)...One at HoneyRock and the other at a camp called Horn Creek Christian Camp (it's in Colorado on the slopes of the Sangre De Cristos....) While I can't apply for Horn Creek's internship, the camp itself I was impressed with (from what I could gather on their website).

This is the link if you are interested.
http://www.horncreek.org/?page_id=3

I don't know if anything will come out of it, but I have to admit it and "scratch the itch."  I enjoy the work that I am doing working with Duluth Trading Company, and with my neighbor at PFC Co.  But it isn't anything truly fulfilling, or rewarding.  In either job if I was replaced I wouldn't really be missed.  I loved teaching Outdoor Education at Timber-lee, and would love to find a position doing that but that seems a little harder as most OE programs aren't full time/year round.  Right now I am ruminating and exploring options, while asking for guidance.
I don't know what the future holds....but (to paraphrase a popular song and scripture somewhere {I'm sure} ) I know who holds tomorrow. Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

I'll try to keep you all posted on the journey and updates as they arrive...

Ahhh Weekend...

So this last weekend was pretty busy.  I worked on Saturday, and took care of the animals.  Then Sunday, got up to go to church.  Played at church and stayed in town with friends of the family because our church band was playing at a church later in the evening.  So I went to Pizza Hut with Terri & Gary Pulver, Rob Zettle, Nancy Brown and a newer couple that have returned to our church (her name is Renae but I can't remember his...) anyhow, we had a blast (as we always do) and the pizza was delicious.
Then Terri drove her car over to the duplex that their son Justin & his wife Crimson (and their baby girl Chloe) live in, to drop off her car for Justin to look at.  I got to drool (just a little) over his Harley Davidson (only a little because it was a Harley....it still was a sweet piece of machinery).  Then the three of us crammed into the cab of the pick-up truck and drove to Gary's Step-sister's so that he could visit with his step-mother (who is in her 80's).  Well, his Step-sister's husband has this Beautiful 1974 red Triumph TR6 convertible (that he was selling!) I definitely drooled over that! :) And got to sit in it, which was sweet.  If I had been able to drive stick he even offered to let me drive it....(sad day, sad day...I cannot drive stick shift...)

Anyway, I got to sit in it and have my picture taken which was cool!

Well, then we went to set up at the church and played 2, 45 minute segments, with a break for cookies and juice in between.  There was this adorable family practically in the front row, and the eldest girl reminded me a little of myself at that age.  She was wearing purple windpants, with a purple striped top, had shoes on that matched as well as ribbons in her hair.  She was sweet.  Her name was Christianna and she was 6, then her brother Lucas was 4 and little sister Melissa was 2.  As we were tearing everything down they came up on the stage and we played.  Rob let them play on his drums as we was tearing the trap set down (they like that a LOT) and they sat on Dennis's bar stool that he brings with him to sit on (which spun all the way around.)

Christianna has her back to us, and Lucas is hiding behind her.  They liked the snare drum cause it changed sounds.
Well, after tearing everything down, I rode back to Church (where I had left my car) with Terri and Gary, and then drove on home.  I was exhausted and went to bed almost right away.
Well, then this morning, I woke up having to go to the bathroom and as I walking towards it I looked out the window and THE SHEEP HAD GOTTEN OUT. They were sitting, eating the grass rather happily almost directly outside their pen.

(This is the sheep, later when they are back in their pen.  The spotted one is our ram, he's a Hare-sheep)

So the bathroom had to wait.  I went out, and they had somehow managed to lift the gate off of it's hinge and it lay (still latched) at an angle.  They are skittish so when I walked past they acted like they were going to bolt (especially Chicken Little), but I got a bucket of corn and they came right back in....(man Sheep are easier than cows or horses in that respect)...I re-secured the gate, and threw them hay (Dad has them confined, since we are hoping for lambs shortly and there is no grass in the pen, just mud so I figure that they were REALLY hungry).  I did chores, came back inside and got dressed.

(This is Chicken Little...she is the most afraid and skittish of ALL the sheep...hence the name)

A little later I went to the Chiropractor and had my adjustment (yay!) picked a book up from the library and came home to a cheese and smoked turkey quesadilla....Yuuuuuuuuuuum!
After that I went back out to go play in the forest a little. (Note to self, when going into a forest full of brambles it would be wise to wear tennis shoes....not your Chacos)

First you go up the hill, (I learned this the hard way several years ago), the bottom of the hill is a tangle of briars!

(Violets are blooming already too!)

Then you make your way down from the top of the hill into the forest...where the brambles are thinner...

 These beauties are what I went into the woods today for...I learned long ago that they do not last long when picked, so now I just go and take pictures of them.  They are called "Dutchmens Breeches" and are a native wildflower.

Well, I was making my way to another face of the hill when I had to push through some honeysuckle and brambles and what do you suppose, I startled a Wild Turkey from where it had been roosting!  That was surprising...I wish I could have gotten a picture of it but it had flown off before I really realized what was happening.  Now, I'm back at the house, attempting to sooth my scratched feet (I'll remember real shoes next time) and fully planning on taking a nap, even though I should do my mountain of dirty laundry that is sitting in a basket in my room....
So I'll leave you another picture of my big, spoiled baby, Frosty.  He's not as dirty in this picture and I think that there are less cockleburs in his mane and tail....but only time will tell :)

Fridays

(Grrrr....had everything ready to post but it claimed I had HTML errors and wouldn't post it....deep breath...take two)
Today was a good day.  I didn't have to work at Duluth Trading so I slept in (which my body kicked me out of bed around 9:30am so boo on it) then I putzed around on the computer until around 11:00...

I had been printing out my book so that I can work on editing and revision, well, I was only about to fit the first 13 chapters in the binder I had so I had to run to Monroe (our nearest shopping town) to go to Shopko to get a binder that was approximately 2 sizes larger than the one I had previously.

But it all fits!  YAY!I am currently sitting at 253 pages at double space, times new roman font, size twelve and all that jazz.  Though I still have considerable revisions to make, plot bunnies to kill and new parts to add...

She's a bit of a porker right now.  But I'm prodigiously proud of my work...even though the end of the journey is not in sight yet.

Well, after completing that project I had just enough time to throw hay at the sheep and horses and want to kill the roosters (yet again....why they aren't in the freezer yet I don't know but I sincerely wish they were). Then I ran to my 2nd job at PFC Co. (which stands for Pet Food Cube Company, he's a subcontractor for Kaytee Feed.)  Well, when I got there there was no one else, so I had to "break" in using the "secret" unlocked back door.  That was interesting :D  Well, I put in a couple of hours and then drove back to Monroe, to top off my gas tank as well as pick up a pizza and a movie.  I wanted to watch Sherlock Holmes, but didn't want to buy it and the Redbox didn't have it, so I settled for the new Star Trek movie.  WHICH ROCKED! I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Very good plot line and great actors etc....I just wish that I had seen it in theatres.  That would have been beyond amazing.

Well, after all that excitement I had to do something to relax.  So I took a bath and shaved my legs (which needed the attention) and then made myself a Mudslide :Mmmmmmm:

So now I should really head to bed so that I can get up and play in the woods before going to work tomorrow.

But before I do I have a few other things.  Like a pretty picture of the bruise I gave myself on the arm when I slipped on the icy steps Thursday Morning.

I don't need any help getting beat up, I do it all by myself with great skill.  Isn't it pretty!

And finally I'd like to give, for your consideration a connection of two songs that I discovered tonight on iTunes.  First is "Requiem for a Tower" by Escala.  Followed by "Intro" into "See who I am" by Within Temptation.  I apologize for the sound quality on the Within Temptation song but it was the only one I could find that had the "Intro"...  Oh, and a segment of text from my book....near the climax of course.  Listen to the songs while you read (that was the visual I received as I lay in the bathtub listening to them...)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lRsycxGgyuI

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3UcPIU9A0I

The morning was dark.  Fog clung to the river valley as the front gates swung open.  From deep within the stone gates the first horse rode out into the mist wreathed valley.  They rode single file, silently into the early morning.

            The plan was simple.  They were to wait until Conrad’s forced had advanced beyond the valley and then move in and cut off their retreat.  As the last horse cleared the gates a gentle rain began to fall.

            At the end of the line, Ishana closed her eyes as a vision gently began to form.

:Maeve stood on the pebble covered beach, her face turned to the sky as the rain fell.  Slowly she began to turn about in a circle.  She spun and spun until her feet gently lifted from the beach, her eyes closed to the sky a smile on her lips.:

            Smiling, Ishana felt the rain’s gentle touch on her eye lids.  Opening her eyes she whispered, “Our God is in the rain.  Thank you Mama.” Nudging Zephyr she moved back into position.

The line moved slowly, their passage muffled by the fall of the rain. As they neared the mouth of the valley the wind died and a mist rose thickly from the river.

Ishana waited, feeling the damp mist trickle down her neck, underneath her chain mail shirt.  Everything was cold and wet.  Even beneath her thighs, Zephyr was covered with perspiration.  However, the weather was only aiding their intent.  The heavy fog made it impossible for the enemy to see where they lurked just inside two valleys that broke away from the Blaise river valley.  They could hear the tramp of the foot soldiers as they passed through the valley, heading towards the plain next to Barton Towne and Donal's troops.

They would cut off their retreat, and do whatever they could to aid the rest of the troops.  Beside Ishana, Mehmet sat quietly on his horse.  Everyone was riding on simple leather saddles.  Anything that would jingle or make noise had been removed.  Even under the circumstances, Ishana was amazed at how quietly all of the horses were sitting.  She caught Mehmet’s eye and he nodded his head.

Wrapping her hand around her pendant, Ishana focused on the noise of the soldiers.  The vision formed quickly, as she saw them moving down the valley on either side of the river. In another minute they would be passing the valley.  Opening her eyes she shook her head negatively at Mehmet.  They would wait.

Finally the sound of the foot soldiers was swallowed by the mist.  They all slowly moved into position, their horses moving silently through the tall grass, until they stood waiting on either side of the river.  Shailendra slipped from the back of her Caribou, wading into the cold water of the Blaise River.  Ishana watched as her enigmatic friend as she began a slow chant.  As she watched the water level dropped in the river, while a roaring sound began to gather strength in the distance.  In amazement she watched as a towering wall of water began to rip its way down the valley.  It separated, moving around Shailendra to knock into the foot soldiers that were at the back of the troops.

At Mehmet's signal, Ishana raised the fog and they moved forward.  Silently they crept up on their opponents until they were only a few lengths away.  At that point, a cry sounded and the soldiers whirled around to face them.

The noise was deafening, horses screamed, men yelled, swords crashed; in the middle of it all, Ishana locked blades with another soldier.  Throwing him off, she quickly slid her sword between the side plates of his armor.  As he fell another soldier came roaring towards her.

Ishana watched in horrified fascination as the horse rose into the air, kicking out with its front legs.  Quickly ducking out of the way, she scrambled for a better position and tripped over the body of the soldier she had just killed.

Falling backwards Ishana screamed in terror.  She watched as if frozen as the horse reared again, striking out with its deadly hooves.  Suddenly Faust dove down out of the sky his talons outstretched.  He aimed for the horse’s head scoring deadly lines along its neck.

The horse collapsed on its side but its rider rolled free and got to his feet.  Raising his sword he came barreling towards her berserk with battle madness.  Ishana scrambled to her feet trying to meet his attack when suddenly a man on horseback came barreling past her and knocked the man down with his mace.

Standing where she was, Ishana watched in dumb amazement as Donal’s horse Jael spun and used his hindquarters to knock another soldier off of his feet.

Grabbing her sword Ishana turned and met the blade of another enemy soldier.  As she locked blades with him an eerie sensation crept up her back making her hair stand on end.  He was there, behind her.

Spinning around she managed to block his first blow.  As their swords locked she met eyes that for the first time had shed their mask.  Feral like the blue eyes of some of the snow leopard she had seen deep within the mountains he barely resembled the well dressed, well behaved man that she had first met in Acadia's great hall.  His lips curled back he snarled as her sword held underneath his blow.

Breaking the contact Ishana felt her heart begin to race as she tried to remember the skills that Mehmet had drilled her head.  They circled each other in the middle of the field of carnage.

Conrad spoke in a voice full of anger and power, "I should have suspected that you would be here, little witch." He had shed his polished exterior and now appeared as the man he truly was; a man mad for power.  His eyes seemed to glow like hot coals in his face. 

Refusing to rise to his bait, Ishana kept watching him carefully watching for an opening while remaining defensive. “Oh I’ve been called worse than that lately, Conrad.”

He sneered the veneer of civility gone completely. "With your power, I could have ruled this land." Conrad's voice still taunted her.  "You were the last piece I needed." his eyes narrowed, "Instead, you became a soldier."

He sneered at her, "What for?  So that you can join all of your other sisters and die like a common villein?" Even as he spoke heat seemed to rise from his body creating a shimmering wave all around him.

Ishana's spoke quietly her voice low and even, "You would never have possessed me, Conrad.  I refuse to be your puppet.  I would rather die today a soldier, fighting for my Queen and country than to live as a puppet for your sick desires."

Conrad lunged, thinking to catch her off guard.  Ishana saw the attack coming and neatly dodged it.  Conrad ran a few steps beyond her before spinning back to face her.

All around them, soldiers were locked in life or death battle, yet not one disturbed them.  Ishana dodged and blocked blow after blow as Conrad tried to use his strength and power to break her.  She felt each attack beyond her physical self as he used his gift to attack her trying to drain her energy and strength.  She retaliated, using her gift to show her his weaknesses.

Several times her blade skipped across his armor tearing chain mail and cutting flesh.  With each wound that she inflicted his anger seemed to grow worse.  It seemed to drag on for hours as they dodged each other striking both physically with their weapons as well as with the gifts bestowed on them.

Ishana felt her strength draining from her as she circled around, trying to anticipate Conrad's next move.  Out of the corner of her eye she saw a familiar figure with long unkempt brown hair and intense eyes, dispatching an enemy soldier before continuing on in a single minded path towards them.

Without drawing her eyes off of Conrad Ishana blocked his next move feeling a sense of relief as she saw Eleeri draw one of her knives from its sheath.  Facing Conrad she spoke. “All of your scheming, all of your planning will come to naught, Conrad.  You will not live out the day.”

Conrad laughed, a cruel sound, “And just how do you see that happening?  You can barely hold me off and you foretell my death?  I find that laughable.” As Conrad continued to laugh Ishana watched the blade come sailing through the air.

Conrad staggered forward, gasping.  His face pale and ashen he reached back and jerked the knife blade out of his back, grim determination written on his face.

Ishana was unprepared for his attack as he came forward in a berserker fury.  Fending off his attacks she did not see the knife until too late.  Slipping past her defenses Conrad buried the knife to the hilt in her side. “I’ll take you with me then.” He hissed.

Ishana stumbled, her hand going to the knife’s hilt.  Sinking down on the ground she pulled the blade from her body. Pressing her hand against the wound, Ishana felt the blood welling out between her fingers as she fought for consciousness.

Through a haze she watched Eleeri come up behind Conrad her face frightening with its anger.  Before he knew she was there her blade sliced across his throat.  As Ishana saw him crumple to the ground she heard another agonizing cry.  Turning her head she saw Donal rushing towards her.

Donal locked blades with a Corsan foot soldier his attention elsewhere.  Several feet behind him, Ishana was locked in combat with Conrad.  He had never seen such a fight as that which was raging between them.  Conrad had shed his courtly demeanor and now was fully using his Magus power; smoke seemed to rise from him while small flames seemed to dart and lick about his clothing.

Ishana seemed to have become transparent; it was as though she had absorbed the wind for at times her hair and even her armor would appear translucent, drifting apart at the edges.  She was applying every single thing that Mehmet had taught her.  Yet Donal feared that Conrad was simply too strong.

As he struggled with his current opponent his back was turned towards the fight.  He locked blades yet again with the soldier while slipping a knife from the sheath up his sleeve.  A quick twist of the blade and the soldier fell at his feet.  Spinning back to the fight that was raging behind him he was in time to see Eleeri slit Conrad’s throat.  He watched as the man who had been his enemy slowly collapsed on himself, falling to the ground.

In a moment the fight seemed to grind to a halt.  All of the Corsan foot soldiers dropped their weapons and shook their heads as though dazed.

At that moment he noticed Ishana where she laid on the battlefield one hand pressed tightly against her side the other lying at an impossible angle underneath her.  His throat closed tightly and it felt as though a heavy stone were suddenly in his stomach.  Dropping his knife and sword Donal ran to her.

He dropped to his knees beside her, “Ishana.” His voice was scared as he gently lifted her head to rest on his knee.

Ishana smiled somewhat sleepily, “Donal, you’re here.”  Donal gently moved her arm feeling her stiffen and gasp softly, “I think it’s broken.” Ishana’s voice trembled.

Donal nodded his head fearing what lay beneath her other hand more than her broken arm. “I tried to straighten it out.  We’ll get it set properly in a little while.  Let me take a look at your wound.”

Gently he lifted her hand blanching at the sight of the wound.  The weight in his stomach increased at the sight of the blood that was weeping from the wound.  Ripping a section of cloth off of the bottom of her armor he balled it up and placed it against the wound, applying firm pressure to it.

Ishana looked up at him, “It’s bad isn’t it.  You can tell me.”

Donal suddenly struggled to keep the tears from his eyes, “Yes, it is bad.  But you will be fine.”

Ishana lifted her hand and gently touched his cheek, leaving a streak of blood behind her, “I’m glad you’re here.” Her voice was tight with her pain.

Donal sniffed, “I wouldn’t be anywhere else right now.” He whispered.  Inside he felt as though he too was dying.  The wound was bad.  From the sound of her breathing, it had punctured a lung.

He wouldn’t be able to stop the bleeding even if he tried.  Looking down into her gray eyes Donal tried to smile reassuringly. “We’ll get your arm set and this looked at and everything will be fine.”

Ishana smiled not believing a word, “And we’ll go back to Dabir?”

Donal nodded his head, “Yes, We’ll all go back to Dabir.”

“You and me and Nerike and all of the Guards?”

“Yes and we’ll tell our children and grandchildren about the day that Firebird defeated the evil Duke Conrad.”

Ishana laughed weakly, “But I didn’t really.  Eleeri killed him.”

“And got her revenge,” Donal paused, suddenly overwhelmed, “What will I do without you?”

Ishana’s voice lost its teasing edge, “I am still here Donal.” But even she knew it wouldn’t be for much longer.

Donal nodded his head, “I know.” He brushed a lock of her red hair off of her forehead, “I also know that I should have told you weeks ago how I felt about you.”

Ishana felt as if her entire life hung in balance, “Yes?”

Donal tried to smile but it didn’t erase the fear from his eyes, “I have loved you for months now.” He laughed softly, “Long before Conrad even showed up in Dabir.”

Ishana smiled, “How different our lives could have been”

Donal nodded his head, “Yes but it was the Ishana who stood her ground with courage and wit that I fell in love with.  Not Lady Ishana but Lieutenant Ishana of the Phoenix Guard.”

Ishana gasped softly her eyes almost closing, “Don’t leave me, Donal.”

Donal shook his head, “I will never leave you.”

Ishana felt his tears as they fell on her cheek.  As her eyes drifted closed she heard another voice, “Hold on, Firebird.  You aren’t leaving us yet.”