My Dad

So, my Dad is dying.

The Hospice Nurse who came in on Friday said that she doesn't expect him to live through the weekend.  This is really hard.  He has declined so incredibly rapidly this last month and a half.  Mom and I have kind of been expecting it to come, but you realize that you are never really prepared for something like this.
Dan and Katie came up this morning, and Anna came up last night.  A couple from Rose's Church in Plainview, MN (Gene and Jean) drove her home so that she didn't have to drive it alone. (they were absolutely adorable) Then today around 1:00 my Uncle Jim brought my Grandmother up, and I got to see my Aunt Diane for a little while (they had to be somewhere but were coming back again). It was good to see her and good to have Dan and Katie there.  And I always love having my sisters with me.

This morning we talked a little about Funeral arrangements (in case he does go/so we can be prepared), and have decided to cremate him, and have a memorial service rather than an open casket funeral (where he looks nothing like what we want to remember him as).  We talked about music and all of that.  I thank the Lord that we have such a great pastor at my Church right now.  Pastor Cole has been amazing.  And Terri and Gary came to visit the other night (Gary is my "BIG" brother...he plays bass guitar at my church). It was really good to see them, as I hadn't been in church the previous 2 Sundays.

One of the things we decided was that we would get a tombstone/head piece and spread his ashes on the farm and then have an area with the headstone commemorating him.  Since the farm was where he really wanted to be all the years we've lived here.  I think that it would be neat if we could have an image of a farmer with a team of horses engraved on the stone.

It is hard.  He sleeps most of the time now and I'm always looking at his chest to make sure he is breathing.  He is no longer strong enough to even stand up by himself.   He has gotten so incredibly thin and gaunt now, that he looks like a horrible caricature of his normal self.

His brothers and sister were up last weekend (it was really good to see Aunt Marcia and Uncle Bill again, and it is always good to see Uncle Chuck).  They stayed most of the week and helped get the farm cleaned up and did some repair work around the place.  (We have a railing on our back steps finally!)

But with everything that was going on, and all the people, our new puppy Shasta didn't know what to make of it all.  that stress added on top of the emotional stress I was going through working both at Duluth and with the New Glarus Bakery (only for the last two weeks...yesterday was my last day Thank God!) I was an exhausted mess, and even more emotional because "Mr. Collins" was visiting for his annual monthly visit. 

Grandmother made some comment about Shasta and that was it, I was a mess.  I love that dog so much already.  Just having her there has made this easier for me.  We just have to work with her and learn how to train her and understand her personality.  But right now both Mom and I need her.

And basically I am rambling because I don't really want to think about what is really happening and the fact that I could go home tonight and he could be gone.  Or that any day next week that could be the scenario.  I'll have enough stress because I start my new position at Duluth (for our "peak" {Christmas} season) on Monday.

But I have Jenny coming to look forward to.  Even if she sleeps on an air mattress in my room, I can't wait for her to get here.  Just to have her to be introverted with.  I need that right now, incredibly much.  A part of me just wants to run away, to pretend that this isn't happening.  That we don't have a hospital bed in our dining room.  That my father isn't losing his fight against Pancreatic Cancer.  I'm beginning to be overwhelmed.  And when that happens....I shut down.  Johnny is possibly coming tonight and we were talking about where we were going to put everyone.  At first, they were talking about putting him in my room, and Anna Rose and I sleeping in the blue room.  I wouldn't let them, because I know that I will need to escape to a space that is my own in order to remain somewhat sane in this situation.

Carissa (my 9-yr-old niece) asked her mom (my sister-in-love Katie) if she was going to see Grandpa Bill again, and Katie had to tell her probably not.  Carissa asked her why he had to go, and said, "But I don't want him to go...he's my Tickle Monster!"

I am so thankful that my Niece has such wonderful memories of my Father.

I think I need to stop now, because I am at work and I am starting to cry and that wouldn't be good if I get a call right now.

Into the Ocean

".....Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be

be

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down...."

 
Dad went back into the hospital yesterday.  He was in a great deal of pain.  When I was taking him to the Radiation friday morning he lost his balance and fell onto the grass as he was walking out to the car.  Mom ended up staying with him in the hospital last night.  I worked almost all day (from 2:30-11pm and again today from 10-8).  Apparently they cut to the chase last night.  Hospice is coming in on Monday and they got him to sign something that says if he should go into cardiac arrest (or whatever it would be) that he is not to be resucitated.  He told Mom that he was scared.
My grandmother is suppossed to be coming up on Tuesday to spend some time with him.  At this time, we were waiting to tell her until tuesday (I believe).  Mom wants to be able to speak with Hospice without worrying about entertaining guests (as she put it).  We will also have to consider our newest family member, Shasta.  She does not do well with new people and mom is afraid that she will bite or snap at the Hospice person.  I really don't want to have to give her back to the Humane Society, because I already love her, but we need to consider what is best for her and for us in this situation.
For the last two days I have hovered in between tears while pretending that everything is fine while talking to customers on the phone.  I am incredibly grateful to one of my co-workers.  Her name is Amy and we went through training together last fall.  Amy's daughter has Lupis in stage 4, and she has this uncanny ability to read me and know when something is wrong.  She looked at me yesterday and said, "Something is bothering you, isn't it."  She is one of those people that just calls it like it is.  And I am thankful that I can talk to her and know that she understands.  Her daughter just came home from the hospital, because of the lupis her kidneys tried to fail.
I am hoping to run away for a day or two later on this month, to be alone.  We'll see if that gets worked out or not.  Right now what I really want to do is go home and curl up in my bed (now that my double fleece blanket is back on it) and snuggle up and shut out the world.