Into the Ocean

".....Now floating up and down

I spin, colliding into sound

Like whales beneath me diving down

I'm sinking to the bottom of my

Everything that freaks me out

The lighthouse beam has just run out

I'm cold as cold as cold can be

be

I want to swim away but don't know how

Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean

Let the waves up take me down

Let the hurricane set in motion... yeah

Let the rain of what I feel right now...come down

Let the rain come down...."

 
Dad went back into the hospital yesterday.  He was in a great deal of pain.  When I was taking him to the Radiation friday morning he lost his balance and fell onto the grass as he was walking out to the car.  Mom ended up staying with him in the hospital last night.  I worked almost all day (from 2:30-11pm and again today from 10-8).  Apparently they cut to the chase last night.  Hospice is coming in on Monday and they got him to sign something that says if he should go into cardiac arrest (or whatever it would be) that he is not to be resucitated.  He told Mom that he was scared.
My grandmother is suppossed to be coming up on Tuesday to spend some time with him.  At this time, we were waiting to tell her until tuesday (I believe).  Mom wants to be able to speak with Hospice without worrying about entertaining guests (as she put it).  We will also have to consider our newest family member, Shasta.  She does not do well with new people and mom is afraid that she will bite or snap at the Hospice person.  I really don't want to have to give her back to the Humane Society, because I already love her, but we need to consider what is best for her and for us in this situation.
For the last two days I have hovered in between tears while pretending that everything is fine while talking to customers on the phone.  I am incredibly grateful to one of my co-workers.  Her name is Amy and we went through training together last fall.  Amy's daughter has Lupis in stage 4, and she has this uncanny ability to read me and know when something is wrong.  She looked at me yesterday and said, "Something is bothering you, isn't it."  She is one of those people that just calls it like it is.  And I am thankful that I can talk to her and know that she understands.  Her daughter just came home from the hospital, because of the lupis her kidneys tried to fail.
I am hoping to run away for a day or two later on this month, to be alone.  We'll see if that gets worked out or not.  Right now what I really want to do is go home and curl up in my bed (now that my double fleece blanket is back on it) and snuggle up and shut out the world.