Ever have things throw your life into complete perspective about what is and isn't important? In a sharp kind of way I have. I just got back yesterday from my Baby Sister's wedding to a wonderful Christian Man. It was a beautiful ceremony honoring to God as well as my Father, who is up in Heaven watching us all.
That of course is the other thing. In many ways I don't know if my Father's death has really hit me yet. I have no idea if/when/how it will when it does. For the most part I keep living each and everyday almost expecting him to walk through the door at any moment.
At the reception for the Father/Daughter dance, Rose had wanted a slide show put together of pictures of her and Dad and all of us growing up. We watched it while she danced with Mom to Steven Curtis Chapman's song, Cinderella. Oh, I bawled. Anna bawled, Mom and Rose bawled. About half way through the DJ had people come and join Mom and Rose with their mom's and dad's. Katie danced with Nick and Carissa went and snuggled up with Dan (since he couldn't dance/was taking care of the slide show) my cousin Mari danced with my Uncle Chuck and I don't remember the others. I want to get a version of it put together with the song so that I can post it here. It was beautiful and I think it gave us a little closure, which we need. Katie expressed it best, I think, when she said that we were all kind of walking through a fog bank, and agreed with me that she too expects Dad to walk in at any moment.
The night after the wedding, Mom had trouble falling asleep. She talked to me a little bit about Dad and some of what she has been feeling. I think that with the wedding stress finally over, that it is beginning to hit her harder than it had before. I am so incredibly thankful that I am here, with her. That I followed the feeling that I was supposed to come back and live at home. I wouldn't trade these last two years with Dad & Mom for the world. They were difficult, they were beautiful; I saw my father lean on his faith as I doubt I had ever seen him do so before. It was very difficult near the end for me. Especially when he was no longer able to sing and play his trombone. Music was such a special connection between us, that not hearing his music hurt.
But I know that he is up there, right now, playing on the most beautiful trombone ever conceived...all covered with gems and pearls. He is able to hit all of the high and low notes with out trying. He is singing with the most exquisite choir ever imagined, his baritone ringing out to bring honor and glory to God. He's probably even riding a bicycle around up there.
In many ways it is this picture that keeps me from collapsing with grief. How much harder would death be for someone who has not that hope? Not that Faith? Who believes that after death there is nothing? I could not even fathom the anxiety and fear. My father dealt with enough fear and anxiety, especially as he neared the end. How much worse would it have been if he hadn't known the Lord, hadn't believed in eternal life?
At Rose's wedding, Anna and I sang "Be Thou My Vision" as Rose and Johnny lit the unity candles and shared their first communion. It was beautiful: I especially like the last verse of the hymn:
"High King of heaven, when victory won,
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heav'ns Son!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my vision, O ruler of all."
As I approach this busy time of year at work, in my "new" seasonal position, I can only pray that this hymn will go with me.
"Be Thou my Wisdom, Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee, Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one."
Congratulations Rose and Johnny Roth! May you stay close to the Lord and be vessels for the outpouring of his Love! I love you both!
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